*** A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'
The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'
The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'
The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'
The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his butt and let him go!'
***A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,
"What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to
float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees
the wife and asks where his brother is.
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat",
pointing to the field behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his
brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a
bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand .
He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama
a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If
I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your butt!"
*** An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test..
'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks.
'Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'
'Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go.
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
(You're going to love this one!)
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and dumped by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?
*** A single guy decided life would be more fun
If he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store
And told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion,
He finally bought a talking centipede,
Which came in a little white box
To use for his house.
He took the box back home,
Found a good spot for the box,
And decided he would start off
By taking his new pet
To church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go
To church with me today?
We will have a good time."
But there was no answer
From his new pet.
This bothered him a bit,
But he waited a few minutes
And then asked again,"How about going
To church with me
And receive blessings?"
There was no answer
From his new friend and pet.
So he waited
A few minutes more,
Thinking about the situation.
The guy decided
To invite the centipede
One last time.
He put his face up against
The centipede's house and shouted,"Hey, in there!
Would you like to go
To church with me
And learn about God?"
... YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ....
A little voice
Came out of the box,"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes!"
*** Sign in tackle shop window "Get Reel!"
*** Party Boat name - 'Serouses of the River'
*** A small town Doctor who was famous in the area for always catching large fish got a call one day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips. It was from a woman at a neighboring farm who was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scale. The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz.
*** What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
*** ONLY IN TEXAS
A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was hanging onto the tailgate for dear life!
She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn't been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him. A few weeks later, her neighbor saw this truck at the local Bass Pro Shop.
The pick-up truck driver is a local TEXAS taxidermist with a great sense of humor! Taxidermists are a twisted lot anyway! And it is not a dog in the 1st Place ; it is a Coyote. Can you imagine how many people tried to stop this guy?
*** Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunerd miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"
*** I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a
cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right
behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed
my bottle of Jim Beam and poured a little Kentucky bourbon in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and
carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs
in his mouth.
Life is good in Kentucky.
*** One day an old German shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age, skill & treachery will always overcome youth and enthusiasm!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
*** THIS OLD GRIZZLY BEAR TRAPPER GOES INTO THE DOCTOR TO GET A CUT SEWED UP ON HIS BACK AND THE DOCTOR SAID SHE WOULD FREEZE IT AND SEW IT RIGHT UP. WELL THE TOUGH OLD GRIZ TRAPPER TELLS FORGET THE ANESTHESIA AND JUST SEW IT UP. THE DOCTOR SAYS, "SO YOU LIKE PAIN", "NAW" THE TRAPPER SAYS "I'VE ONLY FELT PAIN TWICE IN MY LIFE".
SO THE THE DOC STARTS SEWING AND THE OLD TRAPPER DOESN'T EVEN FLINCH. THE DOC SAYS "SO YOU'VE ONLY FELT PAIN TWICE EH, DARE I ASK WHEN". "WELL" THE OL GRIZ TRAPPER SAYS "THE FIRST TIME WAS WHEN I HAD JUST SET A BIG BEAR TRAP AND COVERED IT AND BLENDED IT IN I HAD A SUDDEN CALL OF NATURE AND WHEN I LET LOOSE THE BIG OLD TRAP FIRE RIGHT ON MY BUTT" "AND THE SECOND TIME?" ASKED THE DOCTOR.
"WHEN I HIT THE END OF THAT CHAIN" EXPLAINED THE OLD TRAPPER.....
*** A Texan farmer went to Australia for a vacation. There, he met an Aussie farmer. The Aussie showed off his big wheat field and the Texan said, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
After walking around the ranch a little, the Aussie pointed out his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately said, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
When the Texan saw a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field, he asked, "And what are those?"
The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look, "What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
***I Came Upon a Roadkill Deer
I came upon a roadkill deer -
A sorrowful sight to behold.
He lay upon the highway's edge,
His body was stiff and cold.
I bet he never saw the car
Careening through the snow.
The lights shone brightly in his eyes,
And then they laid him low.
I came upon a roadkill deer
And lifted him off the road.
We'll all enjoy a Christmas feast
Of Bambi sloppy joes.
Be careful of those gravel bits --
They really get stuck in your teeth.
We'll place the antlers from his head
Upon our holiday wreath.
I came upon a roadkill deer
A sorrowful sight to behold.
He gave his all to bring good cheer
As bumper misteltoe.
***Old Farmer's Advice:
+Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. +Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
+Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
+A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
+Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
+Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
+Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
+Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
+It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
+You cannot unsay a cruel word.
+Every path has a few puddles. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
+The best sermons are lived, not preached.
+Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
+Don 't judge folks by their relatives.
+Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
+Live a good, honorable life.. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time..
+Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.
+Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.
+If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
+Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
+The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
+Always drink upstream from the herd.
+Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
+Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in..
+If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around..
+Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
*** A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.'
***Dan had been studying whales for over 20 years and had made some thrilling breakthroughs regarding their communication. He had managed to decode many of their underwater sounds and to translate them into English. His latest research had proved that they can communicate over a distance of 300 miles. When asked what could they possibly have to say at such distances he replied,
"As best as we can figure, it is something like - Hey, can you hear me now?
*** The manager of a megastore came to check on his new salesman.
"How many customers did you serve today?" the manager asked.
"One," replied the new guy.
"Only one?" said the boss. "How much was the sale?"
The salesman answered, "$85,334."
Flabbergasted, the manager asked him to explain.
"First I sold a man a fishhook," the salesman said. "Then I sold him a rod and a reel. Then I asked where he was planning to fish, and he said down by the coast. So I suggested he'd need a boat - he bought that 20-foot runabout. When he said his Volkswagen might not be able to pull it, I took him to the automotive department and sold him a big SUV."
The amazed boss asked, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?"
"No," the new salesman replied. "He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife's migraine. I told him, 'Your weekend's shot. You should probably go fishing.'"
*** Noah opens up the ark and lets all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply!"
He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner.
So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply."
"We can't," said the snakes. "We're adders."
*** A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
*** Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." That night, the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.
*** A hunter was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The hunter took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want."
Again the hunter took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The hunter said, "Look, I'm a avid hunter and when I'm not hunting, I'm fishing, so I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool!"
*** A little bird was flying south for the winter. It got so cold it froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow manuer, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and then ate him.
The Morals of the Story are:
1. Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out is your friend.
3. When you're in deep dodo, keep your mouth shut!
*** A teacher had a 5-year-old come up to her and say that he had found a frog.
The teacher asked, "Is the frog alive or dead?"
The student replied, "It's dead."
The teacher asked, "How do you know for sure?"
The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."
Aghast, the teacher said, "You did what?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, Psst and it didn't move. So, it must be dead
*** After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion
felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
*** A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"
*** While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
*** A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works." "O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The FISH." "What fish?" the man asked.
*** You Might Be a Redneck -
If You Consider a Six Pack and a Bug Zapper High Quality Entertainment.
If You Have Hound Cages in the Back of Ur Truck.
If You Go to the Bank to Finance a Hound Dog!
If You Have Ever Called in to Work Saying That You Can't Come in Because Your Pot Belly Pig Is Sick.
If Your Fishin Box Is Worth More than Your Truck
If Your Wife Tells You the Price Jewelry in Otter Pelts.
If You Have to Pick Birdshot out of Your Chicken.
If You Think Fast Food Is Hitting a Deer at 65 Mph.
*** What is it called when two fisherman argue about which fly or lure to use? A "De-Bait"
*** Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart, for my dogs Princess and Noel.
I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.=
*** One day Elmer and Fred were hunting, and they got lost. Elmer tells Fred "wait, don't freak out I learned what to do in case this happens. Your supposed to shoot up into the air three times and someone will here you and come with help.""Okay," said Fred. So he shoots three times into the air. They both wait an hour and no one shows up. So they shoot three times again, and still no one shows up bewildered they try this again for the next couple of hours. Fred starts to look a little worried he YELLS OUT " It better work this time, we're down to our last arrows!"
*** One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
And begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
*** What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
*** One night during the local hunting season a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy country bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a hunter tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try his keys in five different cars before he found his. He sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. All the other hunters left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.00. The puzzle officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
*** Sign in a field near a trout stream: "the farmer allows anglers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."
*** While driving down a steep and curvy logging road, a USFWS field crew loose control of their 4-wd "Jimmy" and careen down the hill. The truck piles up at the bottom of the canyon, and everyone aboard perishes. Suprisingly, they all go to heaven. At an orientation they are asked, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning about your death, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy, a well known botanist says, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest botanistsof my time, and left an eternal contribution to the botanical world."
The second guy, an ornithologist, says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful birder and made a huge difference in the recovery of our bird populations."
The last guy, a scruffy mammalogist, replies, "I would like to hear them say......
"LOOK, HE'S MOVING! ! ! ! !"
*** BUMPER STICKER SIGHTINGS:
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."
"Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner."
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
"Lord help me to be the person my dog thinks I am."
"OCHD Obsessive Compulsive Hunting Disorder "
"We interrupt this marriage to bring you the hunting season"
"PETA - People eating Tasty Animals"
"Gun Control: Breath out, squeeze trigger"
"Vegetarian....Indian word for poor hunter!"
"People never lie so much as after fishing, during a war, or before an election."
"I fish therefore - I lie"